Ahh love. It’s the muse of art. The rhythm of music. The fuzzy feeling in your heart when you start speaking to someone new. It’s what gives you that feeling in your stomach when you hear your phone buzz and see their name. It’s what makes you look forward to the weekend when you have a night out or a nice meal with that special someone. It’s what makes sex into something more, instead of two bodies slamming into each other repeatedly.
It’s an amazing feeling And whether you believe its other worldly in nature, celestial, divine or simply a chemical reaction from evolution to help ensure survival and pro creation, it’s certainly something which takes hold of us without realising and leads us into the forest of flowers and rainbows before we realise it. Love hypnotises us to see things in a better way.
But as with everything in this world, it’s often much more complicated than that. Like when you smell the beautiful rose, only to have the bee sting you on the end of it.
If you have been in love, then chances are you have suffered heartbreak.
Here below is what to do when you find yourself saying goodbye to that special someone and they walk out the door for the last time, whether by choice or not.
Accept that it’s over.
Yes, I know this sounds harsh and somewhat cruel to yourself. But it’s the best way to get through it. Now is not the time to be clutching at what you once had. You ended for a reason and whether you like it or not, it’s over. You need to accept it.
This is both step one, step ten and step one hundred. It’s a recurrent step that you have to remind yourself over and over. There is an entire world out there for you to be a part of, and you cant go out there and find it if you’re still holding onto that boulder chained to your heart.
The plans you had with this person will never happen. The holidays you wanted to go on will never occur. Children you had planned will never be born.
Its over. And that okay. The nature of life is change. Grief is your minds way of not wanting to accept that.
Take some time off.
This one sounds oblivious. Because it is. All you are going to want to do when you split with that special someone is wallow. And this is normal, and its okay to have sometime to yourself and do some reflecting. After all, if you don’t reflect on what went wrong, why you/ they stopped making the effort, what were you/they doing which made the relationship end and why such things were happening in the first place, you are going to repeat the same thing in your next relationship but with a different person.
You need to take a step out of the dating world and spend some time looking after yourself. This doesn’t mean as soon as they walk out the door you download Tinder or POF again. It means you get to rediscover yourself. We often see ourselves as part of something else. Like we are connected interpersonally to the relationship we once had. And when it is over, it’s easy to fall into a feeling of alienation, desolation and the feeling of being lost. Like without the other person you no longer have an identity.
Remember. You the world still turned before you met them, and it will continue to turn when they’re gone.
You don’t want to be the ‘Rebound person’ who is in a terrible new relationship within two weeks of you ending your last one. Been there, done that. It doesn’t work.
Now is the time to love yourself again.
Use this time to do what you want to do. Within reason of course.
Avoid alcohol and don’t sleep around.
Believe me, I have been there many times. Relationships ended and you think ‘Fuck em!’ And you stomp your feet in triumph. ‘I can go out and fuck who I want, when I want and I can go get drunk now without them telling me what to do etc.’
And do you remember how you feel after you had done this? Yeah. Exactly. You felt like shit. Sure it felt great at the time, but grieving is your minds way of healing. We try to block it out because it hurts. Tough. It’s suppose to hurt. If the wound stings it means its being cleaned. If the mind hurts, its repairing.
Don’t sleep around. Respect your body. Respect your mental health and your mind. Alcohol Is a depressant after all, and the day after a bender when your waking up in someone else’s bed rarely leaves us feeling better from the experience.
Take some time out. Don’t get blind drunk. Respect yourself. It’s the least you deserve.
Don’t bad mouth them.
You want to vent. You really want to vent. You want to tell everyone you know about how bad they were. The arguments you had, how their feet stink. How the sound of them grinding their teeth kept you up at night.
But imagine, after a week or two, you both get back together? Well, now everyone you know knows all about them and you just aired their dirty laundry out for everyone to see. Be respectful to yourself, and don’t wear your heart on a sleeve.
It okay to speak to people about what happened, but make sure your aren’t telling every man and his goat about the most intimate parts of your relationship.
Surround yourself with friends, family and things you enjoy doing.
This one goes without saying. Immerse yourself in your hobbies. Keep busy. Spend time with friends. Tell them how you’re feeling and on days when you’re struggling, call them or facetime them. It’s okay when you have come out of something you have been emotionally invested in to be upset sometimes.
This is why we help each other at times like this. And its when you will need your friends and loved ones the most.
Join a gym or a local running group.
What Jay? I’ve just split with someone and your telling me to go and bust my ass at the gym?
Yes. That exactly what I am telling you to do. Exercise is a natural way of making you feel good. It reduces stress levels in the body and boosts the feel good chemicals. It’s a natural anti-depressant and is brilliant for mental health, self-esteem and self-confidence. You’ll feel better, you’ll look better, and you’ll BE better.
You’ll meet new people, discover new things about yourself and you’ll have a reason to get out of the house and it will keep your mind occupied.
With your new found confidence you won’t want to speak to the person who dragged you down, brought you to tears and tossed you into the trash.
Increase your self-worth, and don’t seek the validation of your own self esteem from those who didn’t give it you in the first place.
Don’t, for god sake, text them!
Now this is a tough one. Especially if you have other ties to your such ex as children, finances, assets etc. So let me change tac a little here.
If you have to text them, then don’t be a dick about it. It will be hard because you’ll have a million and one emotions running through your mind when you see their name lit up on your phone. Be amicable, respect yourself and don’t lower yourself to an argument. They’re probably hurting just as much as you are, and they might show it in being argumentative, abusive or obstructive. That’s fine. You can’t control how they act, But you can control how YOU act.
Be an adult about it, and don’t get into a shouting match over text or the phone. Its hard to fight logical argument with pure emotion.
IF you’re fortunate enough to not need to message them ever again and never have o see hem again, then well done. You’re in the perfect percentage.
Don’t text them saying how great your doing, how much you miss them, how you wish them the best, how you wish they would fucking die…
No. Don’t do that. Block them, forget about them and move on with your life. Remove their number and delete the conversations from your phone. The temptation will be much less that way.
If you do see them again…
If by chance you run into them again. Maybe at school, at work, in a bar, then remember. You are in control of the situation.
Don’t freak out. Don’t scream in their face. Don’t burst into tears.
If they talk to you (and if you want to talk back), then simply be civil. If they make a move, tell them where they stand. You aren’t interested in being a comfort for their pain. They weren’t a comfort for yours.
Relationships are funny things. Even when they work out, thy are constant work. The payoff is brilliant though and fulfilling.
But in this very oversimplified blog where I could go into sooooo much more detail, I hope I have hit a few points that will help you through this tough time.
Its okay not to be okay sometimes. But your life will go on. Time is a great healer. The best in fact.
The relationship with yourself is the most important of all. If you’re a mess, then other things will be the same.
Focus on improving yourself in this time of hardship, and that special someone will sweep you off your feet into the forest of honey and rainbows once more.
Accept its over.
Don’t engage in self-destructive behaviour.
Let them get on with their lives and you do the same.
Improve the relationship you have with yourself.
Life goes on, and you will be okay.
All the best with it.