An Expert Look - What Do Stalkers Want From Their Victims?
An Expert Look - What Do Stalkers Want From Their Victims?
In research for my new crime thriller series, I have been able to have a lengthy conversation with Detective Dave Thomason, who is one of the leading experts in stalking from Cheshire Constabularies dedicated Stalking Unit, as seen in the BBC documentary with Stacey Dooley ‘Stalkers.’
JD – Dave, firstly I would like to say a huge thank you for taking the time to sit with me and talk about this subject. Firstly, the obvious question is What is ‘Stalking?’
DT – That’s a good question. The act of ‘Stalking’ has existed for millennia. We can see even as far back as Roman literature that this was an activity which people perpetrated. The word ‘Stalking’ or ‘to be stalked’ comes from the act of an animal stalking its prey.
But the actual term of ‘Stalking’ came as a result of the celebrity Rebecca Schaeffer in 1990 who was stalked and murdered by an obsessed fan named Robert John Bardo in 1990.
Stalking is a goal-driven behaviour that is unwanted by the victim which causes fear and alarm. Stalking takes various forms for different types of reasons. One stalker is different to another stalker, and it is dangerous to assume that all who stalk will follow the same behaviours. No two operate or think the same, but all stalkers have a commonality in that their behaviour is persistent, unwanted and can often cause fear and alarm in the victim. A stalker has an unhealthy preoccupation with another person. It is like a job to them, and not all stalkers are the people lurking in the shadows like we see on television. Some are functioning adults with jobs, families and hobbies, and stalking is a darker aspect of their daily activity used in order to pursue their goal.
JD - Are there different kinds of stalking?
DT - Yes. Half of stalkers and victims are known to each other, and this takes several forms –
Rejected Stalkers -
The first and most common is the ‘Rejected Stalker.’ This is usually an ex-intimate partner, either from a past relationship or someone the victim shared a one-night stand with or even shared a kiss. This is usually derived from some kind of intimate encounter taking place. However, this intimacy doesn’t have to be physical. It could have been a very close friend which whom the victim no longer wishes to be allied with for one reason or another, or it could be someone in a profession that the victim has encountered such as a doctor or teacher.
A Rejected Stalker is usually made from that – Rejection. To this person, the feelings they had when with the victim made them feel whole. Made them feel loved, cared for and fulfilled some purpose in their lives. Now that that is gone, they are left with a sense of abandonment and longing for that connection with the victim again. These types of stalkers will usually have some form of attachment issue and may possibly have a personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder, however it is important to make this distinction between causation and correlation – People with BPD are not going to stalk an ex-lover, however, some stalkers do have the disorder. One does not equal the other, but more there is a correlation, not causation between the two.
When the rejected stalker is in their minds ‘abandoned’ by the victim, this causes a visceral and strong feeling of rejection in their minds. The stalker is then motivated to reconcile the relationship in order to heal the wound and feelings of loss they are feeling. Stalking is a way for the Rejected Stalker to feel close to the victim again. In essence, these types of stalkers are about making themselves feel better, as opposed to making the victim feel bad.
The risk associated with the Rejected Stalker is when the efforts of reconciliation are rejected once more by the victim. Either by them finding out the victim is in a new relationship, they have reported them to the police or they have been confronted and been told that their efforts are for nothing and the relationship will not resume under any capacity. We can then see their motivations change from reconciliation to revenge and punishment, and this can make them feel entitled to cause harm to their victim.
The other half of stalkers are split into other groups: Identifiable Stranger Stalking, Non-Identifiable Stranger Stalking and Malevolent/ Sadistic Stalking.
Predatory/ Sadistic Stalker –
These are very rare but are very insidious in nature. They see the act of stalking someone as a form of cat and mouse, and they are gratified by the suffering and fear they cause to their victim and are often sexually motivated. They will not often reveal themselves for a long time, because the ‘hunt’ is what drives them, and not the ‘catching’ of their prey.
Incompetent Suiter Stalker, Identifiable/Non-identifiable Stalker and Erotomania Stalker –
These types of stalkers are generally lower on the social scale. They may see themselves as unattractive or unsuited to the victim in the socio/economical/mating suitability hierarchy and believe that if the victim got to know them, they would see them as a suitor or the good friend that they need. This type of stalking is less about themselves and more about pleasing their victim. Often, these types of stalkers can cross social and personal boundaries to do something good for the victim. An example of this could be breaking into the victim’s house and cleaning it for them or sending them unwanted gifts such as flowers, presents or in some cases, expensive cars. These types of stalkers normally don’t understand societal and social cues, and may often be on the autistic spectrum or have some form of learning difficulty which disables them from understanding the boundaries they are breaching with their behaviour.
This could spawn from the victim being friendly to them, smiling at them or even serving them in a restaurant or paying them a compliment in passing. Think of Jim Carey in the movie ‘Cable Guy,’ where Carey plays someone who is low on the social scale and befriends and subsequently stalks a friendly customer whose television he services.
This is often driven by a fantasy of being with the victim, either in a sexual way or in a non-sexual way. This can also be split into the Identifiable Stalker (where the victim would recognise the stalker, be it someone they sit next to on a bus or someone they work with but don’t know personally), or a Non-Identifiable Stalker, such as someone stalking a celebrity of whom the celebrity wouldn’t recognise.
Jacqueline-Ades, a convicted stalker who told victim would make sushi out of their kidneys.
JD - Does a stalker know they are a stalker?
DT - A stalker will often justify their behaviour and distort reality to suit their actions. An example of this could be the stalker sending hundreds of messages to their victim with no response, to then get a reply telling them to ‘F*** Off.’ The stalker may then use this as a gateway to further the conversation, as they are seeing that the victim is responding to their messages, and ignoring the context of what they’re saying.
However, stalkers don’t generally identify themselves as being a stalker. This is because of empathy, as if they were to accept that what they are doing is harming their victim, then they wouldn’t do it. Whereas others again don’t understand the boundaries they are breaking and are ambivalent about their behaviour, other such as the Sadistic Stalker are aware of what they are doing and enjoy the impact they are having on their victim.
JD - How often do stalkers carry out their threats?
DT - Research suggests that the threats made by domestic stalkers and rejected stalkers will be acted upon 50% of the time. This is obviously incredibly alarming and victims and police should treat the threat as serious in all cases. This threat may not be explicit, but be implied, such as a dead bird being left on the doorstep of the victim’s home, or even dead flowers being delivered to their workplace.
In relation to violence being carried out, there is little difference between male and female stalkers carrying out their threats. In essence, if a threat is made, always take it seriously.
Read ‘Lorna - The Disturbing Psychological Thriller,’ by Jay Darkmoore
JD - Are stalkers usually male or female?
DT - Most are male with female victims. In terms of the victims, men appear to be more worried about reputational damage by being stalked, and females are more concerned about their safety.
JD - What is the typical age range of a stalker?
DT - We see a spike in stalking activity with offenders being around 35 – 50 years old. This is for a variety of reasons: Marriages go wrong etc. Younger stalkers tend to be more violent, but this is a generalisation.
JD - What things will a stalker do?
DT - Stalking has existed throughout the ages and as I mentioned before – if you’ve met one stalker, you have just met one stalker. The modus operandi of a stalker is very personal, as the victims are all different. The stalking activity is functional towards the victim.
The stalking tends to be very personalised and functional. As an outsider, it may be innocuous. An example is the victim may be allergic to peanuts, and they may find peanuts in strange places or in their car. A stalker will shake the victim’s belief in their safety and privacy.
With the evolution of technology, stalking has evolved too. Stalkers can find new ways of finding, tracking and communicating with victims such as using trackers on cars, listening to conversations through Alexa devices, sending messages through bank transfers and we have even seen Netflix accounts be changed to convey a message.
JD - How can you make a stalker go away?
DT - It does happen that stalkers leave their victims alone after a while, but this is by no means the option victims should rely on. Victims should report all cases to the police.
However, every stalker is different. Sometimes a stalker will meet someone new and thus their attention is on their new partner/fixation however if this relationship ends, the stalker may revert back to old victims.
Some stalkers are ready to change their behaviour, and whereas they may never identify with being a stalker, they may seek help to change their behaviour through therapy.
A more obvious and tragic outcome is the stalker eventually murders their victim.
JD - What is the difference between harassment and stalking?
DT - In my opinion, there is no real difference between the two. They both bore from unwanted contact and can both result in fear and violence.
JD - Do victims diminish the level of their stalking?
DT - Sadly yes. This is a way for the victim to protect themselves against the fact that they are being stalked and that they may be in danger. This is called Equivocation. Victims will usually play down the behaviour of a stalker by saying things like ‘it’s probably nothing,’ or ‘they will go away soon.’ This is because quite simply, people do not want to admit they are being stalked. In some severe cases, victims have been known to take their own lives as they can’t see a way out of what is happening, sometimes referred to as a hidden homicide.
JD - What do the police do in stalking cases/ How can someone report a stalker?
DT - Police should always take cases seriously. Police will establish the immediate risk and gather evidence of the stalking behaviour and aim to safeguard the victim. Police can issue restraining orders and even custodial sentences.
Stalking cases don’t often result in violence or homicide, but they can and do, so there for police should always treat a report of stalking seriously.
If someone believes they are being stalked, then I urge them to contact the police or the National Stalking Helpline on 0808 802 0300.
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