What is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
What is the narcissistic abuse cycle?
What is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
You meet the love of your life, and within a few months, they’re living with you. Suddenly, they’re screaming at you for something you didn’t even know you had done, and then they disappear without a trace, leaving you broken and damaged, wondering what the hell just happened. Sound familiar? You may have just encountered someone who was not only unhealthy but possibly a narcissist.
Other sources on the internet will tell you that the narcissistic abuse cycle consists of Love Bombing, Devaluation, Discard, and Hoovering. However, this post will delve deeper into each step, exploring the tactics used and the reasons behind a narcissist's actions.
Love Bombing and Adulation
When you first meet…
When you first meet a narcissist, they will sweep you off your feet. You’ll wonder where this person has been all your life. They take you to all the nice places, treat you like they worship you, compliment you, and laugh at your jokes. And let’s not ignore the sex – it’s amazing. You feel like you’ve hit the jackpot, and this is exactly what the narcissist is counting on.
Read ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go,’ by Ramani Durvasula PhD
While you’re sharing your experiences, your past, and your troubles, they are taking notes. They’re creating a mental arsenal to use against you later. So, you keep pouring out your heart, keep seeing them, and they keep treating you better than anyone ever has. The sex is incredible. You feel sexy. You feel amazing. You are now firmly on the hook, and the narcissist has something new to play with. In return for all the adulation they give you, you reciprocate. You give them your compliments, your love, your money, your body. Every bit of you is poured into them. But as with all relationships, that passionate fire can’t stay raging permanently. As your flames die down to a steady ember, their fire needs feeding.
Devaluation and Control
Narcissists have a compulsion to control those around them. In social situations, a highly narcissistic person will always be the centre of attention. They want to peacock, seeking potential mates’ notice and competition’s fear or envy, regardless of whether they are already in a relationship.
In a relationship, a narcissist employs the Power and Control model to assert dominance over their victims. They are natural abusers. To fit the definition of a narcissist, one must be abusive, as part of the nine traits of narcissism includes exploitation. They are characterized in the DSM-5 as having an abusive personality type.
Power and Control
The Power and Control model is how narcissists create, elicit, and maintain control over their victims. This can be done through threats of violence to the victim, their family, children, and even to themselves. “If you leave me, I will kill myself,” is a common line used. If you hear this, you must get out of the relationship and seek professional help.
When the narcissist knows you have grown attached to them, they will slowly begin to withdraw the love and adulation. They will become passive-aggressive, making small comments about the relationship or you. They may threaten to harm themselves if the relationship ends and then deny they ever said anything, making you think you’re imagining it (this is called gaslighting). A narcissist will get angry, using fear and intimidation to maintain control. When they feel the victim is pulling away, they may do one of three things:
1 - Revert to adulation to keep the victim in the relationship.
2 - Become violent, threatening, or commit a false execution.
3 - If the victim leaves the relationship, revert to stalking.
The reason for this is that until the narcissist is done with the victim, they will not allow the relationship to end. Narcissists require adulation and ‘supply’ from others to maintain their sense of importance.
A Narcissist has many masks. One they wear for you, and the other they wear for the rest of the world.
In cases of domestic violence, a narcissist will not show their true colours or be outright verbally abusive unless they are certain they can convince the victim to stay. This usually happens within the first 90 days of a relationship.
Physical abuse often follows coercion. It is the next stage in the relationship, where violence and verbal abuse can become more frequent and escalate. The narcissist may apologise if they hit you and make every excuse for their behaviour. But know this: if the narcissist has been violent, they have been silently abusing you for a long time and think they can get away with it. If someone lays hands on you, leave the relationship because it will happen again. Even if it never does, the memory of it is enough to keep you in line.
Narcissism and the the new Mirror of Social Media
Ever noticed how narcissists are very active on social media, showing off their bodies, posting selfies, assets, or the great charity work and achievements? It’s all about the likes, comments, and admiration. The world has become the narcissist’s mirror, allowing them to project an altruistic, brilliant image and receive love and praise in return. Hence, if a narcissist breaks their phone, they may have a complete meltdown because they have lost their mirror.
Discarding
Discarding happens when the narcissist has had enough of their current supply and finds someone else who can give them what they want. To the narcissist, you are not a person with wants, wishes, and desires. They care no more about you than they do a new jacket they grow bored of. They see avatars of people in their world, not other human beings they share it with.
When a narcissist discards you, they leave you with whatever mental or physical scars they have inflicted and then move on as if you never existed. That is, unless they hoover you back into the relationship.
Hoovering
A narcissist will come back to the victim if they allow it. If the risk versus reward of continuing the relationship is enough for them, they may apologise for their behaviour, book a holiday, promise to change, or even ask you to marry them. Do not believe it. This is the start of the cycle again, and it will go around quicker and often more violently with each spin of the vitriolic wheel.
Can a Narcissist Change?
No. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a behavioural disorder. There is no medication, no surgery, no finding God. A narcissist cannot change who they are any more than a leopard can change its spots. The person they showed you at the start was a mask, an act to get you to fall in love with them.
Other Things to Look Out For
Smear Campaigns
When the relationship ends, the narcissist may conduct a smear campaign, contacting your friends, family, employer, and even posting on social media, painting you as the bad one and themselves as the victim.
Damage Control
Following an abusive episode, it is common for the abuser to not allow the victim to be on their own and insist on doing something nice together. This is so the narcissist can maintain control and smooth things over with the victim. They may call the victim after storming out in rage, showing up as the loving person they initially presented until the victim forgives them, and the cycle begins again.
Heat Seeking
This can happen when the narcissist blocks the victim on social media after the relationship ends. It is a way for the narcissist to check on the victim and see if they notice they have been unblocked. It is a way for the narcissist to:
1 - See what the victim is doing and see if they wish to make contact.
2 - Avoid a narcissistic injury if the victim never responds.
3 - Be vindicated and forgiven for their behaviour if the victim reaches out first.
Reverse Hoover
Sometimes, when the narcissist discards the victim, the victim may be so broken and hurt that they recontact the narcissist, willingly putting themselves back into the relationship, thus enabling the narcissist to continue their abuse.
But the narcissist doesn’t always accept that the relationship is over, which can lead to stalking.
What Are the Three Types of Stalkers?
What do stalkers want from their victims? What are the three types of Stalkers?
What Are the Three Types of Stalkers?
Stalking is defined in UK law as ‘A person is guilty of Stalking if they pursue a course of conduct which amounts to Stalking.’
Sounds vague, doesn’t it? That is because it has to be.
In my background in crime and investigation, I have dealt with many stalking cases, ranging from the more benign – a work colleague sending someone he finds attractive anonymous messages on Facebook, to the more insidious – an ex-boyfriend driving over a hundred miles to assault and terrify his ex-girlfriend at work due to her finally blocking him.
The definition of Stalking must be kept loose, as stalking behaviour can encompass so many different things.
Below, are the three most common types of stalkers, along with their motivations. Aswell as one rarer, more insidious type at the end.
Types of Stalkers:
Stalkers can be classified into three main types based on their motivations and behaviour: simple obsessional, love obsessional, and erotomaniac stalkers.
Simple Obsessional (rejected) Stalker:
Simple obsessional stalkers are individuals who have a prior relationship with the victim, such as an ex-partner, former friend, coworker, or acquaintance. Their stalking behaviour typically arises after a significant rupture in the relationship, such as a breakup or rejection. The primary motivation behind simple obsessional stalking is often a desire to regain control or power over the victim, or to retaliate for perceived grievances. These stalkers may exhibit persistent and intrusive behaviour aimed at the victim, including following, monitoring, unwanted contact, and intimidation. Risk factors for escalation include a history of violence, access to weapons, and a lack of insight or remorse for their actions.
The tipping point for this type of stalker could be the victim blocking the stalker, or getting the police involved and getting a restraining order, however this is often the only way to make a stalker stop.
Violence typically occurs in 50% of these cases and is the most likely to result in homicide.
Love Obsessional Stalker:
Love obsessional stalkers are characterised by an intense fixation or infatuation with the victim. They firmly believe that the victim reciprocates their feelings, even if there is no evidence to support this belief. Their behaviour is driven by a deep desire to establish a romantic relationship with the victim. Love obsessional stalkers may exhibit persistent pursuit, fantasising, delusional beliefs, lack of boundaries, and escalation if their advances are rebuffed. Psychologically, they often exhibit extreme attachment, low self-esteem, and a distorted perception of reality.
Stalkers in this category may have learning difficulties, or difficulties reading social queues.
Erotomaniac Stalker:
Erotomaniac stalkers are convinced that the victim is in love with them, often developing elaborate delusions about the nature of their relationship. They typically target individuals of higher social status or public figures, believing that their status validates the supposed romantic connection. Erotomaniac stalkers exhibit delusional beliefs, fantasy relationships, persistent pursuit, grandiosity, and a risk of violence if their delusions are threatened. Underlying mental health issues such as schizophrenia or delusional disorder may contribute to their fixation on the victim.
Sadistic / Predatory Stalking –
Thankfully, these are very rare. The motivation for this type of stalking is often to cause fear and distress to the victim for the pleasure of the stalker.
Why Do Victims of Stalking Reply to Their Stalkers Instead of Just Ignoring them?
This often frustrates me when I have dealt with stalking cases, in that professionals will blame the victim for replying or engaging with their stalker. The simple reason for this is that if the victim does not placate their stalker, their stalker’s behaviour may escalate. Often, if the victim just blocks their stalker, the stalker may they turn up to their house, their work, or begin harassing and threatening family members.
A victim of stalking placates the stalker to keep themselves safe, and to keep the wolf from their door.
Stalking is a serious offence and, in the UK, can carry a sentence of up to ten years in prison. Stalking can result in violence and even homicide, and all stalking should be taken seriously. Do not ignore a stalker, as they will not simply leave someone alone. Their behaviour often just escalates.
If you believe you or someone you know is being stalked, then you must contact the police for support, or contact the National Stalking Helpline.