What is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
What is the narcissistic abuse cycle?
What is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
You meet the love of your life, and within a few months, they’re living with you. Suddenly, they’re screaming at you for something you didn’t even know you had done, and then they disappear without a trace, leaving you broken and damaged, wondering what the hell just happened. Sound familiar? You may have just encountered someone who was not only unhealthy but possibly a narcissist.
Other sources on the internet will tell you that the narcissistic abuse cycle consists of Love Bombing, Devaluation, Discard, and Hoovering. However, this post will delve deeper into each step, exploring the tactics used and the reasons behind a narcissist's actions.
Love Bombing and Adulation
When you first meet…
When you first meet a narcissist, they will sweep you off your feet. You’ll wonder where this person has been all your life. They take you to all the nice places, treat you like they worship you, compliment you, and laugh at your jokes. And let’s not ignore the sex – it’s amazing. You feel like you’ve hit the jackpot, and this is exactly what the narcissist is counting on.
Read ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go,’ by Ramani Durvasula PhD
While you’re sharing your experiences, your past, and your troubles, they are taking notes. They’re creating a mental arsenal to use against you later. So, you keep pouring out your heart, keep seeing them, and they keep treating you better than anyone ever has. The sex is incredible. You feel sexy. You feel amazing. You are now firmly on the hook, and the narcissist has something new to play with. In return for all the adulation they give you, you reciprocate. You give them your compliments, your love, your money, your body. Every bit of you is poured into them. But as with all relationships, that passionate fire can’t stay raging permanently. As your flames die down to a steady ember, their fire needs feeding.
Devaluation and Control
Narcissists have a compulsion to control those around them. In social situations, a highly narcissistic person will always be the centre of attention. They want to peacock, seeking potential mates’ notice and competition’s fear or envy, regardless of whether they are already in a relationship.
In a relationship, a narcissist employs the Power and Control model to assert dominance over their victims. They are natural abusers. To fit the definition of a narcissist, one must be abusive, as part of the nine traits of narcissism includes exploitation. They are characterized in the DSM-5 as having an abusive personality type.
Power and Control
The Power and Control model is how narcissists create, elicit, and maintain control over their victims. This can be done through threats of violence to the victim, their family, children, and even to themselves. “If you leave me, I will kill myself,” is a common line used. If you hear this, you must get out of the relationship and seek professional help.
When the narcissist knows you have grown attached to them, they will slowly begin to withdraw the love and adulation. They will become passive-aggressive, making small comments about the relationship or you. They may threaten to harm themselves if the relationship ends and then deny they ever said anything, making you think you’re imagining it (this is called gaslighting). A narcissist will get angry, using fear and intimidation to maintain control. When they feel the victim is pulling away, they may do one of three things:
1 - Revert to adulation to keep the victim in the relationship.
2 - Become violent, threatening, or commit a false execution.
3 - If the victim leaves the relationship, revert to stalking.
The reason for this is that until the narcissist is done with the victim, they will not allow the relationship to end. Narcissists require adulation and ‘supply’ from others to maintain their sense of importance.
A Narcissist has many masks. One they wear for you, and the other they wear for the rest of the world.
In cases of domestic violence, a narcissist will not show their true colours or be outright verbally abusive unless they are certain they can convince the victim to stay. This usually happens within the first 90 days of a relationship.
Physical abuse often follows coercion. It is the next stage in the relationship, where violence and verbal abuse can become more frequent and escalate. The narcissist may apologise if they hit you and make every excuse for their behaviour. But know this: if the narcissist has been violent, they have been silently abusing you for a long time and think they can get away with it. If someone lays hands on you, leave the relationship because it will happen again. Even if it never does, the memory of it is enough to keep you in line.
Narcissism and the the new Mirror of Social Media
Ever noticed how narcissists are very active on social media, showing off their bodies, posting selfies, assets, or the great charity work and achievements? It’s all about the likes, comments, and admiration. The world has become the narcissist’s mirror, allowing them to project an altruistic, brilliant image and receive love and praise in return. Hence, if a narcissist breaks their phone, they may have a complete meltdown because they have lost their mirror.
Discarding
Discarding happens when the narcissist has had enough of their current supply and finds someone else who can give them what they want. To the narcissist, you are not a person with wants, wishes, and desires. They care no more about you than they do a new jacket they grow bored of. They see avatars of people in their world, not other human beings they share it with.
When a narcissist discards you, they leave you with whatever mental or physical scars they have inflicted and then move on as if you never existed. That is, unless they hoover you back into the relationship.
Hoovering
A narcissist will come back to the victim if they allow it. If the risk versus reward of continuing the relationship is enough for them, they may apologise for their behaviour, book a holiday, promise to change, or even ask you to marry them. Do not believe it. This is the start of the cycle again, and it will go around quicker and often more violently with each spin of the vitriolic wheel.
Can a Narcissist Change?
No. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a behavioural disorder. There is no medication, no surgery, no finding God. A narcissist cannot change who they are any more than a leopard can change its spots. The person they showed you at the start was a mask, an act to get you to fall in love with them.
Other Things to Look Out For
Smear Campaigns
When the relationship ends, the narcissist may conduct a smear campaign, contacting your friends, family, employer, and even posting on social media, painting you as the bad one and themselves as the victim.
Damage Control
Following an abusive episode, it is common for the abuser to not allow the victim to be on their own and insist on doing something nice together. This is so the narcissist can maintain control and smooth things over with the victim. They may call the victim after storming out in rage, showing up as the loving person they initially presented until the victim forgives them, and the cycle begins again.
Heat Seeking
This can happen when the narcissist blocks the victim on social media after the relationship ends. It is a way for the narcissist to check on the victim and see if they notice they have been unblocked. It is a way for the narcissist to:
1 - See what the victim is doing and see if they wish to make contact.
2 - Avoid a narcissistic injury if the victim never responds.
3 - Be vindicated and forgiven for their behaviour if the victim reaches out first.
Reverse Hoover
Sometimes, when the narcissist discards the victim, the victim may be so broken and hurt that they recontact the narcissist, willingly putting themselves back into the relationship, thus enabling the narcissist to continue their abuse.
But the narcissist doesn’t always accept that the relationship is over, which can lead to stalking.
How to Write a Psychopath
How to write a psychopath in your book, and why you should.
American Psycho
Psychopaths are incredibly fun to read in books and watch on the big screen and have been popularised by some very infamous and somewhat controversial films and books, from American Psycho written by Bret Easton Ellis, Hannibal Lecter by Thomas Harris and even James Bond by Ian Fleming.
But why is it that these characters have captured both love and fear in our hearts? What is it about them that makes us want to know more? Is it their propensity to violence? Their ability to be cunning and manipulative without feeling any remorse? Is it their self-confidence and being able to think under pressure? Whatever the reason, our hearts have a soft place in them for psychopaths in literature.
In this blog, I am going to tell you how to create your very own in your fiction, and it will maybe help you spot these same traits in other characters you enjoy.
Hannibal Lecter
Traits of a psychopath –
Most Psychopaths are male, with them making up approx. 1% of the population, and are estimated to make up 50 – 80% of the prison population. Women that show high traits of Psychopathy are more likely to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which along with Psychopathy, is a ‘Cluster B’ personality disorder along with Narcissism and Histrionic Personality Disorder as outlined in the Diagnostical and Statistical Manual Version 5 (DSM – 5 for short) of the American Psychiatric Association.
Psychopathy lends itself to having many different traits, all of which are useful in certain situations, and can even benefit those in certain careers (below). Most people can dial these traits down as and when they need them, but a psychopath can’t and would always have these traits on the high setting in their brains.
These are low empathy, impulsivity, calm under pressure, manipulative, charming, ruthlessness and emotionally detached and show a lack of remorse for their actions.
James Bond
This list can make for some fantastic characters and even make for some fantastic story arcs. Maybe a character is charming and loving, and then later down the line, we see that it was all manipulation to convince someone to give up their life savings, and then abandon them. Tinder Swindler, anyone?
Or maybe we have a character that is a military soldier, a warrior, who is ruthless and can cut through the enemy without a shred of remorse? A police officer who will do anything to crack the case, or a surgeon who has the steadiest hand to make that vital, life-saving cut with everything on the line?
Psychopaths make for excellent characters. They make incredibly fun heroes to write about, and add a lot more depth to the ‘bad guy.’ We can look into their childhood, in that a psychopathic person would have normally come from some kind of abusive childhood, and uses psychopathy as a way to navigate the world based off of that. It gives the character more back story. More depth.
Professor Kevin Dutton
According to psychologist Professor Kevin Dutton, most psychopaths are split into two categories. Those with high traits and a low propensity to commit violence, and those with high psychopathic traits and a higher propensity to violence.
Those that are of lower violent tendencies are more likely to be characterised by high-pressure positions, such as politicians, CEOs, police officers, lawyers and high-end athletes. These could make for some great characters and some side characters, and maybe even a villain or two in there? Maybe the villain is a top businessman of a rival company that is trying to sabotage the hero’s chances at getting their foot on the corporate ladder? Or even a detective that drinks too much and is emotionally vacant when around other people, but is ruthless and driven to catch the bad guy?
Jack Torrance - The Shining
The psychopaths that are high in psychopathic traits with a higher level of predisposition to violence would be our classical villains such as serial killers, a criminal mob boss and even a soldier that has gone rogue.
Psychopaths make for great foreshadowing opportunities too, as they can be very manipulative. In your story, you can have the psychopath dropping hints and leaving clues for the rest of the characters to find, and then when the big reveal comes later in the book, the reader can connect the dots and have the ‘Oh my god!’ moment that we all love to create when they figure it all out.
Lorna - By Jay Darkmoore
In my dark romance ‘Lorna,’ the main character in the story ‘Christian’ is a psychopath, and he will stop at nothing to not only win the heart of Lorna, his new infatuation but also kill and destroy the lives of anyone that dares stand in his way.
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Psychopaths are so much fun to write and can offer a lot of depth to your characters and the story. Even just highlighting certain traits outlined above and giving them to your characters can make a lot of difference to your writing.
Have fun with it and thank you for reading.
But what about other writing ideas? What about being able to break through writer’s block?