What is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
What is the narcissistic abuse cycle?
What is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
You meet the love of your life, and within a few months, they’re living with you. Suddenly, they’re screaming at you for something you didn’t even know you had done, and then they disappear without a trace, leaving you broken and damaged, wondering what the hell just happened. Sound familiar? You may have just encountered someone who was not only unhealthy but possibly a narcissist.
Other sources on the internet will tell you that the narcissistic abuse cycle consists of Love Bombing, Devaluation, Discard, and Hoovering. However, this post will delve deeper into each step, exploring the tactics used and the reasons behind a narcissist's actions.
Love Bombing and Adulation
When you first meet…
When you first meet a narcissist, they will sweep you off your feet. You’ll wonder where this person has been all your life. They take you to all the nice places, treat you like they worship you, compliment you, and laugh at your jokes. And let’s not ignore the sex – it’s amazing. You feel like you’ve hit the jackpot, and this is exactly what the narcissist is counting on.
Read ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go,’ by Ramani Durvasula PhD
While you’re sharing your experiences, your past, and your troubles, they are taking notes. They’re creating a mental arsenal to use against you later. So, you keep pouring out your heart, keep seeing them, and they keep treating you better than anyone ever has. The sex is incredible. You feel sexy. You feel amazing. You are now firmly on the hook, and the narcissist has something new to play with. In return for all the adulation they give you, you reciprocate. You give them your compliments, your love, your money, your body. Every bit of you is poured into them. But as with all relationships, that passionate fire can’t stay raging permanently. As your flames die down to a steady ember, their fire needs feeding.
Devaluation and Control
Narcissists have a compulsion to control those around them. In social situations, a highly narcissistic person will always be the centre of attention. They want to peacock, seeking potential mates’ notice and competition’s fear or envy, regardless of whether they are already in a relationship.
In a relationship, a narcissist employs the Power and Control model to assert dominance over their victims. They are natural abusers. To fit the definition of a narcissist, one must be abusive, as part of the nine traits of narcissism includes exploitation. They are characterized in the DSM-5 as having an abusive personality type.
Power and Control
The Power and Control model is how narcissists create, elicit, and maintain control over their victims. This can be done through threats of violence to the victim, their family, children, and even to themselves. “If you leave me, I will kill myself,” is a common line used. If you hear this, you must get out of the relationship and seek professional help.
When the narcissist knows you have grown attached to them, they will slowly begin to withdraw the love and adulation. They will become passive-aggressive, making small comments about the relationship or you. They may threaten to harm themselves if the relationship ends and then deny they ever said anything, making you think you’re imagining it (this is called gaslighting). A narcissist will get angry, using fear and intimidation to maintain control. When they feel the victim is pulling away, they may do one of three things:
1 - Revert to adulation to keep the victim in the relationship.
2 - Become violent, threatening, or commit a false execution.
3 - If the victim leaves the relationship, revert to stalking.
The reason for this is that until the narcissist is done with the victim, they will not allow the relationship to end. Narcissists require adulation and ‘supply’ from others to maintain their sense of importance.
A Narcissist has many masks. One they wear for you, and the other they wear for the rest of the world.
In cases of domestic violence, a narcissist will not show their true colours or be outright verbally abusive unless they are certain they can convince the victim to stay. This usually happens within the first 90 days of a relationship.
Physical abuse often follows coercion. It is the next stage in the relationship, where violence and verbal abuse can become more frequent and escalate. The narcissist may apologise if they hit you and make every excuse for their behaviour. But know this: if the narcissist has been violent, they have been silently abusing you for a long time and think they can get away with it. If someone lays hands on you, leave the relationship because it will happen again. Even if it never does, the memory of it is enough to keep you in line.
Narcissism and the the new Mirror of Social Media
Ever noticed how narcissists are very active on social media, showing off their bodies, posting selfies, assets, or the great charity work and achievements? It’s all about the likes, comments, and admiration. The world has become the narcissist’s mirror, allowing them to project an altruistic, brilliant image and receive love and praise in return. Hence, if a narcissist breaks their phone, they may have a complete meltdown because they have lost their mirror.
Discarding
Discarding happens when the narcissist has had enough of their current supply and finds someone else who can give them what they want. To the narcissist, you are not a person with wants, wishes, and desires. They care no more about you than they do a new jacket they grow bored of. They see avatars of people in their world, not other human beings they share it with.
When a narcissist discards you, they leave you with whatever mental or physical scars they have inflicted and then move on as if you never existed. That is, unless they hoover you back into the relationship.
Hoovering
A narcissist will come back to the victim if they allow it. If the risk versus reward of continuing the relationship is enough for them, they may apologise for their behaviour, book a holiday, promise to change, or even ask you to marry them. Do not believe it. This is the start of the cycle again, and it will go around quicker and often more violently with each spin of the vitriolic wheel.
Can a Narcissist Change?
No. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a behavioural disorder. There is no medication, no surgery, no finding God. A narcissist cannot change who they are any more than a leopard can change its spots. The person they showed you at the start was a mask, an act to get you to fall in love with them.
Other Things to Look Out For
Smear Campaigns
When the relationship ends, the narcissist may conduct a smear campaign, contacting your friends, family, employer, and even posting on social media, painting you as the bad one and themselves as the victim.
Damage Control
Following an abusive episode, it is common for the abuser to not allow the victim to be on their own and insist on doing something nice together. This is so the narcissist can maintain control and smooth things over with the victim. They may call the victim after storming out in rage, showing up as the loving person they initially presented until the victim forgives them, and the cycle begins again.
Heat Seeking
This can happen when the narcissist blocks the victim on social media after the relationship ends. It is a way for the narcissist to check on the victim and see if they notice they have been unblocked. It is a way for the narcissist to:
1 - See what the victim is doing and see if they wish to make contact.
2 - Avoid a narcissistic injury if the victim never responds.
3 - Be vindicated and forgiven for their behaviour if the victim reaches out first.
Reverse Hoover
Sometimes, when the narcissist discards the victim, the victim may be so broken and hurt that they recontact the narcissist, willingly putting themselves back into the relationship, thus enabling the narcissist to continue their abuse.
But the narcissist doesn’t always accept that the relationship is over, which can lead to stalking.
The Nine Traits Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and Why You Only Need To Know ONE).
Narcissist. What makes someone a narcissist? What traits do they have, and what the only one you need to look out for?
Narcissism is on the rise. That much is clear. So, it’s important that we know how to identify someone quickly who is high in narcissistic traits. Below, I have outlined the nine traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, under the acronym SPECIAL ME. Plus, I have included the only reason you should ever truly need to know you’re dealing with a particularly toxic individual.
Remember, you only need to score highly in five of these traits to be classified as having NPD.
S – Sense of Importance.
Does the person you are dealing with believe that they should receive special treatment wherever they go? Do they fly into a rage or into a tantrum quickly when hearing the word ‘No’? If that is the case, you might be dealing with a toxic individual who believes that they are the centre of the universe.
P – Preoccupation with power, beauty or success.
‘I deserve to be famous!’ ‘I deserve that promotion!’ ‘No, let me post our photos so I know they’re done right, and I look great.’ Sound familiar?
Narcissistic people believe that they are above other people, and that they should get the best in life, regardless of merit or if they have worked for it. It should be awarded to them because they are them. As for beauty, narcissists project the image of perfection to the world, so they must control what others see. An unflattering photograph is a smudge on their mirror, and that simply won’t do.
E – Entitled.
Narcissists believe that they are entitled to have whatever they want, whenever they want it. This means your attention, your money, your sex, and your energy. And when they have sucked you dry and you can no longer give them what they want, they will move onto the next. See also ‘Vampire.’
C – Can only be around people that are important or special.
You know that person who is always sucking up to the boss, or that person who has to be with the cool kids? Yup. It’s for their own self-worth. If they’re around successful people, it’s so that they can feel and appear successful to others.
I – Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain.
Anyone who has dated a narcissist will know exactly what is meant by this. Family. Friends. Co-workers and especially romantic partners will all know that the narcissist must be admired, and that they are highly manipulative for their own gain. They do not see you as another person. They see you as an extension of themselves. As someone who must serve them, or they are erased from their life, and if this supply of love and attention was to criticize the narcissists, then you better be ready or the rage that comes afterwards.
A - Arrogance.
Have you ever told a narcissist, no? Told them that they can’t have or do something that they want to do? Or have you ever shown them that what they are doing is wrong? They twist it so you’re in the wrong. It’s what they do. You cannot tell a narcissist ‘no.’ You cannot make them give a genuine apology, because to apologise or to accept wrongdoing or fault means that they are not perfect, and they cannot and will not admit this.
L - Lack of empathy.
A narcissist doesn’t care that you’re crying or your hurt. It doesn’t benefit them. They cannot feel bad for you. They don’t know what it is. A narcissists heart is a cold rock that barely beats. They show no emotion to others unless it benefits them in some way. They do not care that they cheated on you, lied or stole from you. In their minds, they were justified to do such things, and you are the problem for getting upset over it.
Read ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go,’ by Prof. Ramani Durvasula PhD.
M – Must be admired.
Rinse. Repeat. It’s exhausting.
E – Envious of others, or believes others are envious of them.
If someone has more than them, they want it, hence why they hang around with the high rollers. Or they believe people are envious of them, which is why they gloat and project their success so much.
But the biggest sign that you are dealing with a toxic person is this.
You are reading this article. You are looking online for answers. You are searching on YouTube for narcissism or toxic relationships or something along those lines. Put simply, if everything was okay, then you wouldn’t be so confused.
Listen to that voice in your mind telling you something isn’t right. It’s trying to help you.
Jay Darkmoore is a crime and horror author with a background in crime and investigation, researching topics such as narcissism, coercive control and stalking behaviours.
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