What is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
What is the narcissistic abuse cycle?
What is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
You meet the love of your life, and within a few months, they’re living with you. Suddenly, they’re screaming at you for something you didn’t even know you had done, and then they disappear without a trace, leaving you broken and damaged, wondering what the hell just happened. Sound familiar? You may have just encountered someone who was not only unhealthy but possibly a narcissist.
Other sources on the internet will tell you that the narcissistic abuse cycle consists of Love Bombing, Devaluation, Discard, and Hoovering. However, this post will delve deeper into each step, exploring the tactics used and the reasons behind a narcissist's actions.
Love Bombing and Adulation
When you first meet…
When you first meet a narcissist, they will sweep you off your feet. You’ll wonder where this person has been all your life. They take you to all the nice places, treat you like they worship you, compliment you, and laugh at your jokes. And let’s not ignore the sex – it’s amazing. You feel like you’ve hit the jackpot, and this is exactly what the narcissist is counting on.
Read ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go,’ by Ramani Durvasula PhD
While you’re sharing your experiences, your past, and your troubles, they are taking notes. They’re creating a mental arsenal to use against you later. So, you keep pouring out your heart, keep seeing them, and they keep treating you better than anyone ever has. The sex is incredible. You feel sexy. You feel amazing. You are now firmly on the hook, and the narcissist has something new to play with. In return for all the adulation they give you, you reciprocate. You give them your compliments, your love, your money, your body. Every bit of you is poured into them. But as with all relationships, that passionate fire can’t stay raging permanently. As your flames die down to a steady ember, their fire needs feeding.
Devaluation and Control
Narcissists have a compulsion to control those around them. In social situations, a highly narcissistic person will always be the centre of attention. They want to peacock, seeking potential mates’ notice and competition’s fear or envy, regardless of whether they are already in a relationship.
In a relationship, a narcissist employs the Power and Control model to assert dominance over their victims. They are natural abusers. To fit the definition of a narcissist, one must be abusive, as part of the nine traits of narcissism includes exploitation. They are characterized in the DSM-5 as having an abusive personality type.
Power and Control
The Power and Control model is how narcissists create, elicit, and maintain control over their victims. This can be done through threats of violence to the victim, their family, children, and even to themselves. “If you leave me, I will kill myself,” is a common line used. If you hear this, you must get out of the relationship and seek professional help.
When the narcissist knows you have grown attached to them, they will slowly begin to withdraw the love and adulation. They will become passive-aggressive, making small comments about the relationship or you. They may threaten to harm themselves if the relationship ends and then deny they ever said anything, making you think you’re imagining it (this is called gaslighting). A narcissist will get angry, using fear and intimidation to maintain control. When they feel the victim is pulling away, they may do one of three things:
1 - Revert to adulation to keep the victim in the relationship.
2 - Become violent, threatening, or commit a false execution.
3 - If the victim leaves the relationship, revert to stalking.
The reason for this is that until the narcissist is done with the victim, they will not allow the relationship to end. Narcissists require adulation and ‘supply’ from others to maintain their sense of importance.
A Narcissist has many masks. One they wear for you, and the other they wear for the rest of the world.
In cases of domestic violence, a narcissist will not show their true colours or be outright verbally abusive unless they are certain they can convince the victim to stay. This usually happens within the first 90 days of a relationship.
Physical abuse often follows coercion. It is the next stage in the relationship, where violence and verbal abuse can become more frequent and escalate. The narcissist may apologise if they hit you and make every excuse for their behaviour. But know this: if the narcissist has been violent, they have been silently abusing you for a long time and think they can get away with it. If someone lays hands on you, leave the relationship because it will happen again. Even if it never does, the memory of it is enough to keep you in line.
Narcissism and the the new Mirror of Social Media
Ever noticed how narcissists are very active on social media, showing off their bodies, posting selfies, assets, or the great charity work and achievements? It’s all about the likes, comments, and admiration. The world has become the narcissist’s mirror, allowing them to project an altruistic, brilliant image and receive love and praise in return. Hence, if a narcissist breaks their phone, they may have a complete meltdown because they have lost their mirror.
Discarding
Discarding happens when the narcissist has had enough of their current supply and finds someone else who can give them what they want. To the narcissist, you are not a person with wants, wishes, and desires. They care no more about you than they do a new jacket they grow bored of. They see avatars of people in their world, not other human beings they share it with.
When a narcissist discards you, they leave you with whatever mental or physical scars they have inflicted and then move on as if you never existed. That is, unless they hoover you back into the relationship.
Hoovering
A narcissist will come back to the victim if they allow it. If the risk versus reward of continuing the relationship is enough for them, they may apologise for their behaviour, book a holiday, promise to change, or even ask you to marry them. Do not believe it. This is the start of the cycle again, and it will go around quicker and often more violently with each spin of the vitriolic wheel.
Can a Narcissist Change?
No. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a behavioural disorder. There is no medication, no surgery, no finding God. A narcissist cannot change who they are any more than a leopard can change its spots. The person they showed you at the start was a mask, an act to get you to fall in love with them.
Other Things to Look Out For
Smear Campaigns
When the relationship ends, the narcissist may conduct a smear campaign, contacting your friends, family, employer, and even posting on social media, painting you as the bad one and themselves as the victim.
Damage Control
Following an abusive episode, it is common for the abuser to not allow the victim to be on their own and insist on doing something nice together. This is so the narcissist can maintain control and smooth things over with the victim. They may call the victim after storming out in rage, showing up as the loving person they initially presented until the victim forgives them, and the cycle begins again.
Heat Seeking
This can happen when the narcissist blocks the victim on social media after the relationship ends. It is a way for the narcissist to check on the victim and see if they notice they have been unblocked. It is a way for the narcissist to:
1 - See what the victim is doing and see if they wish to make contact.
2 - Avoid a narcissistic injury if the victim never responds.
3 - Be vindicated and forgiven for their behaviour if the victim reaches out first.
Reverse Hoover
Sometimes, when the narcissist discards the victim, the victim may be so broken and hurt that they recontact the narcissist, willingly putting themselves back into the relationship, thus enabling the narcissist to continue their abuse.
But the narcissist doesn’t always accept that the relationship is over, which can lead to stalking.
Baby Reindeer – A Deep Dive into the Stalking Psychology and Behaviour of Martha.
Baby Reindeer as seen on Netflix
Baby Reindeer, the Netflix international breakthrough hit of struggling comedian Richard Gadd (played by himself) who befriends the lonely woman who he meets in a bar named ‘Martha,’ (played by Jessica Gunning) who then proceeds to relentlessly stalk him for over twelve months.
The show not only was a breakthrough due to the brilliant storytelling, the realness and utter unbelievability of what audiences were watching, but it also highlights something that isn’t often spoken about -
Women also stalk men.
Netflix has seen several hit TV shows where the male is the stalker, namely ‘YOU,’ but this show hits home on another terrifying level. There are some crazy, obsessed people out there, and some of them can appear sweet and innocent, just like Martha did.
Who is the real ‘Martha,’ in Baby Reindeer?
The Scottish national Fiona Harvey states that she is the real ‘Martha,’ however she denies the allegations that she has stalked Gadd as laid out in the Netflix series. Harvey appeared on Piers Morgan Uncensored to tell her side of the story, which is available on YouTube.
What mental illness does Martha have in Baby Reindeer?
It is likely that ‘Martha’ also had Borderline Personality Disorder, which is highlighted when Gadd tries to implement boundaries, pull away, or ‘Martha’ finds him with someone else. Although they were never in a relationship, ‘Martha’ perceived it at so. We see during the series that ‘Martha’ becomes increasingly obsessed with Gadd, and that the more he pulls away, the more outraged she becomes.
There is a strong link between stalking (particularly in females), and Borderline Personality Disorder. This is twofold –
1 - Women are more likely to be diagnosed with BPD.
2 - This is a logical link, as sufferers with BPD have a deep-seated fear of abandonment, which means that they can latch onto those around them in unhealthy ways, forming very fast bonds that are very intense very quickly. We see this in abusive relationships where women are the perpetrators. The woman becomes hyper-fixated on their partner, and when the partner tries to draw a boundary or the person with BPD perceives that their partner is pulling away, they can become hostile either to their partner or even to themselves. This is what we see frequently with ‘Martha’ in Baby Reindeer. She wants Gadd to herself and is willing to use violence and intimidation to stop her from being alone. We see that ‘Martha’s’ behaviour is in fact more about her own abandonment not being triggered, rather than her feelings for Gadd. To her, Gadd is the symbol of safety in her childhood, her ‘Baby Reindeer,’ a stuffed toy that she would cuddle when frightened as a child. He is a beacon of safety to her and something she doesn’t want to lose. To ‘Martha,’ losing Gadd is like becoming a terrified child again.
Stalking Behaviour
One of the reasons I believe Martha’s story is based on real events is the stalking behaviour that is exhibited.
Unlike the exaggerated portrayals often seen in Hollywood, 'Baby Reindeer' presents a chillingly realistic depiction of stalking behavior. This authenticity, far from being a deterrent, actually heightens the sense of terror, making the narrative all the more compelling.
We see that ‘Martha’ loiters around Gadd’s home. We see that she attends his place of work frequently. She makes excuses to see him, be in the area, and even checks his social media to find out information about him, such as past relationships. We see that ‘Martha’ calls Gadd hundreds of times, leaving hours and hours of voice messages. She attends where he is holding a gig. She uses pet names for him. Thousands of emails and social media messages. The list goes on. The more Gadd pulls away, the more intense these interactions become.
What kind of stalker is Martha?
‘Martha’ would be classed as the ‘incompetent suitor’ stalker. A lot of people may think that Martha is a rejected stalker (ex-partner), but I don’t believe this to be the case. The two have never been in an intimate relationship or ever formally been in a relationship that was more than platonic. Therefore, they haven’t met the definition of being in a relationship, so the rejected stalker definition wouldn’t apply.
Instead, we see that ‘Martha’ appears to be lower than Gadd on the socio-economic scale, and she doesn’t appear to be able to understand the signals and social cues that Gadd is giving off. For that reason, I believe ‘Martha’ to be portrayed as the ‘incompetent suitor’ type of stalker, of which we see with those that are stalking celebrities, wishing to be close to them and befriend them.
Does Martha know that she is A Stalker?
Unfortunately, stalkers are very good at rationalising their behaviour. If they knew what they were doing was wrong, then they wouldn’t do it. Interviewing a stalker and trying to get them to admit to what they have done, that they have exhibited signs of fixation, Obsessive, Unwanted contact and have done so repeatedly (FOUR), is very difficult.
Stalkers are often highly delusional in that they will still state that they are not a stalker, but they just ‘want to talk,’ or they ‘love them and want to get back with them.’ A stalker will rationalise their behaviour even in the face of compelling evidence. Often, with a rejected stalker, it is more about how the stalker feels than how the victim feels. This, again, means they are less likely to reflect on the harm they are causing to the victim because of their behaviour.
With ‘Martha,’ (as highlighted on the Piers Morgan Uncensored show), Harvey denies the allegations put forward to her and she states that she is the victim and Gadd is the abuser. Who is telling the truth? Only the two of them really know.
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AN EXPERT LOOK - WHAT DO STALKERS WANT FROM THEIR VICTIMS?
What Are the Three Types of Stalkers?
What do stalkers want from their victims? What are the three types of Stalkers?
What Are the Three Types of Stalkers?
Stalking is defined in UK law as ‘A person is guilty of Stalking if they pursue a course of conduct which amounts to Stalking.’
Sounds vague, doesn’t it? That is because it has to be.
In my background in crime and investigation, I have dealt with many stalking cases, ranging from the more benign – a work colleague sending someone he finds attractive anonymous messages on Facebook, to the more insidious – an ex-boyfriend driving over a hundred miles to assault and terrify his ex-girlfriend at work due to her finally blocking him.
The definition of Stalking must be kept loose, as stalking behaviour can encompass so many different things.
Below, are the three most common types of stalkers, along with their motivations. Aswell as one rarer, more insidious type at the end.
Types of Stalkers:
Stalkers can be classified into three main types based on their motivations and behaviour: simple obsessional, love obsessional, and erotomaniac stalkers.
Simple Obsessional (rejected) Stalker:
Simple obsessional stalkers are individuals who have a prior relationship with the victim, such as an ex-partner, former friend, coworker, or acquaintance. Their stalking behaviour typically arises after a significant rupture in the relationship, such as a breakup or rejection. The primary motivation behind simple obsessional stalking is often a desire to regain control or power over the victim, or to retaliate for perceived grievances. These stalkers may exhibit persistent and intrusive behaviour aimed at the victim, including following, monitoring, unwanted contact, and intimidation. Risk factors for escalation include a history of violence, access to weapons, and a lack of insight or remorse for their actions.
The tipping point for this type of stalker could be the victim blocking the stalker, or getting the police involved and getting a restraining order, however this is often the only way to make a stalker stop.
Violence typically occurs in 50% of these cases and is the most likely to result in homicide.
Love Obsessional Stalker:
Love obsessional stalkers are characterised by an intense fixation or infatuation with the victim. They firmly believe that the victim reciprocates their feelings, even if there is no evidence to support this belief. Their behaviour is driven by a deep desire to establish a romantic relationship with the victim. Love obsessional stalkers may exhibit persistent pursuit, fantasising, delusional beliefs, lack of boundaries, and escalation if their advances are rebuffed. Psychologically, they often exhibit extreme attachment, low self-esteem, and a distorted perception of reality.
Stalkers in this category may have learning difficulties, or difficulties reading social queues.
Erotomaniac Stalker:
Erotomaniac stalkers are convinced that the victim is in love with them, often developing elaborate delusions about the nature of their relationship. They typically target individuals of higher social status or public figures, believing that their status validates the supposed romantic connection. Erotomaniac stalkers exhibit delusional beliefs, fantasy relationships, persistent pursuit, grandiosity, and a risk of violence if their delusions are threatened. Underlying mental health issues such as schizophrenia or delusional disorder may contribute to their fixation on the victim.
Sadistic / Predatory Stalking –
Thankfully, these are very rare. The motivation for this type of stalking is often to cause fear and distress to the victim for the pleasure of the stalker.
Why Do Victims of Stalking Reply to Their Stalkers Instead of Just Ignoring them?
This often frustrates me when I have dealt with stalking cases, in that professionals will blame the victim for replying or engaging with their stalker. The simple reason for this is that if the victim does not placate their stalker, their stalker’s behaviour may escalate. Often, if the victim just blocks their stalker, the stalker may they turn up to their house, their work, or begin harassing and threatening family members.
A victim of stalking placates the stalker to keep themselves safe, and to keep the wolf from their door.
Stalking is a serious offence and, in the UK, can carry a sentence of up to ten years in prison. Stalking can result in violence and even homicide, and all stalking should be taken seriously. Do not ignore a stalker, as they will not simply leave someone alone. Their behaviour often just escalates.
If you believe you or someone you know is being stalked, then you must contact the police for support, or contact the National Stalking Helpline.
An Expert Look - What Do Stalkers Want From Their Victims?
An Expert Look - What Do Stalkers Want From Their Victims?
In research for my new crime thriller series, I have been able to have a lengthy conversation with Detective Dave Thomason, who is one of the leading experts in stalking from Cheshire Constabularies dedicated Stalking Unit, as seen in the BBC documentary with Stacey Dooley ‘Stalkers.’
JD – Dave, firstly I would like to say a huge thank you for taking the time to sit with me and talk about this subject. Firstly, the obvious question is What is ‘Stalking?’
DT – That’s a good question. The act of ‘Stalking’ has existed for millennia. We can see even as far back as Roman literature that this was an activity which people perpetrated. The word ‘Stalking’ or ‘to be stalked’ comes from the act of an animal stalking its prey.
But the actual term of ‘Stalking’ came as a result of the celebrity Rebecca Schaeffer in 1990 who was stalked and murdered by an obsessed fan named Robert John Bardo in 1990.
Stalking is a goal-driven behaviour that is unwanted by the victim which causes fear and alarm. Stalking takes various forms for different types of reasons. One stalker is different to another stalker, and it is dangerous to assume that all who stalk will follow the same behaviours. No two operate or think the same, but all stalkers have a commonality in that their behaviour is persistent, unwanted and can often cause fear and alarm in the victim. A stalker has an unhealthy preoccupation with another person. It is like a job to them, and not all stalkers are the people lurking in the shadows like we see on television. Some are functioning adults with jobs, families and hobbies, and stalking is a darker aspect of their daily activity used in order to pursue their goal.
JD - Are there different kinds of stalking?
DT - Yes. Half of stalkers and victims are known to each other, and this takes several forms –
Rejected Stalkers -
The first and most common is the ‘Rejected Stalker.’ This is usually an ex-intimate partner, either from a past relationship or someone the victim shared a one-night stand with or even shared a kiss. This is usually derived from some kind of intimate encounter taking place. However, this intimacy doesn’t have to be physical. It could have been a very close friend which whom the victim no longer wishes to be allied with for one reason or another, or it could be someone in a profession that the victim has encountered such as a doctor or teacher.
A Rejected Stalker is usually made from that – Rejection. To this person, the feelings they had when with the victim made them feel whole. Made them feel loved, cared for and fulfilled some purpose in their lives. Now that that is gone, they are left with a sense of abandonment and longing for that connection with the victim again. These types of stalkers will usually have some form of attachment issue and may possibly have a personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder, however it is important to make this distinction between causation and correlation – People with BPD are not going to stalk an ex-lover, however, some stalkers do have the disorder. One does not equal the other, but more there is a correlation, not causation between the two.
When the rejected stalker is in their minds ‘abandoned’ by the victim, this causes a visceral and strong feeling of rejection in their minds. The stalker is then motivated to reconcile the relationship in order to heal the wound and feelings of loss they are feeling. Stalking is a way for the Rejected Stalker to feel close to the victim again. In essence, these types of stalkers are about making themselves feel better, as opposed to making the victim feel bad.
The risk associated with the Rejected Stalker is when the efforts of reconciliation are rejected once more by the victim. Either by them finding out the victim is in a new relationship, they have reported them to the police or they have been confronted and been told that their efforts are for nothing and the relationship will not resume under any capacity. We can then see their motivations change from reconciliation to revenge and punishment, and this can make them feel entitled to cause harm to their victim.
The other half of stalkers are split into other groups: Identifiable Stranger Stalking, Non-Identifiable Stranger Stalking and Malevolent/ Sadistic Stalking.
Predatory/ Sadistic Stalker –
These are very rare but are very insidious in nature. They see the act of stalking someone as a form of cat and mouse, and they are gratified by the suffering and fear they cause to their victim and are often sexually motivated. They will not often reveal themselves for a long time, because the ‘hunt’ is what drives them, and not the ‘catching’ of their prey.
Incompetent Suiter Stalker, Identifiable/Non-identifiable Stalker and Erotomania Stalker –
These types of stalkers are generally lower on the social scale. They may see themselves as unattractive or unsuited to the victim in the socio/economical/mating suitability hierarchy and believe that if the victim got to know them, they would see them as a suitor or the good friend that they need. This type of stalking is less about themselves and more about pleasing their victim. Often, these types of stalkers can cross social and personal boundaries to do something good for the victim. An example of this could be breaking into the victim’s house and cleaning it for them or sending them unwanted gifts such as flowers, presents or in some cases, expensive cars. These types of stalkers normally don’t understand societal and social cues, and may often be on the autistic spectrum or have some form of learning difficulty which disables them from understanding the boundaries they are breaching with their behaviour.
This could spawn from the victim being friendly to them, smiling at them or even serving them in a restaurant or paying them a compliment in passing. Think of Jim Carey in the movie ‘Cable Guy,’ where Carey plays someone who is low on the social scale and befriends and subsequently stalks a friendly customer whose television he services.
This is often driven by a fantasy of being with the victim, either in a sexual way or in a non-sexual way. This can also be split into the Identifiable Stalker (where the victim would recognise the stalker, be it someone they sit next to on a bus or someone they work with but don’t know personally), or a Non-Identifiable Stalker, such as someone stalking a celebrity of whom the celebrity wouldn’t recognise.
Jacqueline-Ades, a convicted stalker who told victim would make sushi out of their kidneys.
JD - Does a stalker know they are a stalker?
DT - A stalker will often justify their behaviour and distort reality to suit their actions. An example of this could be the stalker sending hundreds of messages to their victim with no response, to then get a reply telling them to ‘F*** Off.’ The stalker may then use this as a gateway to further the conversation, as they are seeing that the victim is responding to their messages, and ignoring the context of what they’re saying.
However, stalkers don’t generally identify themselves as being a stalker. This is because of empathy, as if they were to accept that what they are doing is harming their victim, then they wouldn’t do it. Whereas others again don’t understand the boundaries they are breaking and are ambivalent about their behaviour, other such as the Sadistic Stalker are aware of what they are doing and enjoy the impact they are having on their victim.
JD - How often do stalkers carry out their threats?
DT - Research suggests that the threats made by domestic stalkers and rejected stalkers will be acted upon 50% of the time. This is obviously incredibly alarming and victims and police should treat the threat as serious in all cases. This threat may not be explicit, but be implied, such as a dead bird being left on the doorstep of the victim’s home, or even dead flowers being delivered to their workplace.
In relation to violence being carried out, there is little difference between male and female stalkers carrying out their threats. In essence, if a threat is made, always take it seriously.
Read ‘Lorna - The Disturbing Psychological Thriller,’ by Jay Darkmoore
JD - Are stalkers usually male or female?
DT - Most are male with female victims. In terms of the victims, men appear to be more worried about reputational damage by being stalked, and females are more concerned about their safety.
JD - What is the typical age range of a stalker?
DT - We see a spike in stalking activity with offenders being around 35 – 50 years old. This is for a variety of reasons: Marriages go wrong etc. Younger stalkers tend to be more violent, but this is a generalisation.
JD - What things will a stalker do?
DT - Stalking has existed throughout the ages and as I mentioned before – if you’ve met one stalker, you have just met one stalker. The modus operandi of a stalker is very personal, as the victims are all different. The stalking activity is functional towards the victim.
The stalking tends to be very personalised and functional. As an outsider, it may be innocuous. An example is the victim may be allergic to peanuts, and they may find peanuts in strange places or in their car. A stalker will shake the victim’s belief in their safety and privacy.
With the evolution of technology, stalking has evolved too. Stalkers can find new ways of finding, tracking and communicating with victims such as using trackers on cars, listening to conversations through Alexa devices, sending messages through bank transfers and we have even seen Netflix accounts be changed to convey a message.
JD - How can you make a stalker go away?
DT - It does happen that stalkers leave their victims alone after a while, but this is by no means the option victims should rely on. Victims should report all cases to the police.
However, every stalker is different. Sometimes a stalker will meet someone new and thus their attention is on their new partner/fixation however if this relationship ends, the stalker may revert back to old victims.
Some stalkers are ready to change their behaviour, and whereas they may never identify with being a stalker, they may seek help to change their behaviour through therapy.
A more obvious and tragic outcome is the stalker eventually murders their victim.
JD - What is the difference between harassment and stalking?
DT - In my opinion, there is no real difference between the two. They both bore from unwanted contact and can both result in fear and violence.
JD - Do victims diminish the level of their stalking?
DT - Sadly yes. This is a way for the victim to protect themselves against the fact that they are being stalked and that they may be in danger. This is called Equivocation. Victims will usually play down the behaviour of a stalker by saying things like ‘it’s probably nothing,’ or ‘they will go away soon.’ This is because quite simply, people do not want to admit they are being stalked. In some severe cases, victims have been known to take their own lives as they can’t see a way out of what is happening, sometimes referred to as a hidden homicide.
JD - What do the police do in stalking cases/ How can someone report a stalker?
DT - Police should always take cases seriously. Police will establish the immediate risk and gather evidence of the stalking behaviour and aim to safeguard the victim. Police can issue restraining orders and even custodial sentences.
Stalking cases don’t often result in violence or homicide, but they can and do, so there for police should always treat a report of stalking seriously.
If someone believes they are being stalked, then I urge them to contact the police or the National Stalking Helpline on 0808 802 0300.
Think someone you know is a Narcissist? Find out here.
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